


I Hurt Myself Today

by Aniel_H



Category: Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-15 02:46:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7203287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aniel_H/pseuds/Aniel_H
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Superman dies, Bruce is slowly getting consumed by guilt and pays a visit to Clark's grave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Hurt Myself Today

**Author's Note:**

> About a month ago, I made this [post](http://brooose-wayne.tumblr.com/post/144561053583/imagine-this-bruce-feeling-like-he-owes-something) on my blog how I needed a fanfic about Bruce slowly falling in love with Clark's memory and since I still haven't seen that fic around I thought why not writing it myself? Anyway, I really hope you guys will enjoy it and if you like it, please, leave a comment!

Bruce can’t sleep. Or, he sleeps less than usually.

His nights are always full of restless sleep, nightmares and night terrors but only after Superman’s death, he starts to avoid sleeping altogether. He has dreams of those empty eyes on the peaceful face before Bruce closes them, he dreams of the sorrowful expression on Diana’s face, of the desperately crying lover holding his face, holding _Clark Kent’s_ face as he later finds out. In his dreams, the eyes often open and look at him, and even though there are no words spoken, the eyes tell him everything there is to tell.

 _This is your fault_.

He knows. He should’ve been clever; he should’ve figure out what Lex Luthor’s plan was all along. He should’ve listen.

The guilt is building in Bruce more and more each day. It suffocates him. He can’t stop seeing those eyes. It gets to the point where he can’t take it and he heads to Kansas, not telling Alfred a word.

Clark’s grave is simple but nice, modest but rich in its own way; it tells everything. It tells that Clark Kent was loved.

Bruce makes sure Lois Lane gets a letter from Batman, apologizing, he sends flowers to Martha Kent and pays for the funeral because he doesn’t know how else express his condolences. He visits the grave often, brings red roses and puts them on the cold ground in front of the grave.

One day, when he pays the grave another of his visits, suddenly a dog comes out of nowhere and starts to lean against his legs. Bruce stands there surprised for a second, before a familiar voice comes from behind him: “He’s never been a good guardian.”

The billionaire turns around and sees Martha Kent. She is a wearing a long, black coat. It looks like it’s going to start rain any second and it’s cold. In fact, Bruce can swear the whole world feels colder ever since Clark Kent and Superman passed away.

Bruce, feeling awkward crunches down and pets the dog’s head. It’s an old, tired animal but it still leaning into the touch and it wags its tale like a puppy.

“Some are just not fit for it,” Bruce whispers but he is sure Martha hears him.

For a long moment, they just stand there looking at the grave. Then, Martha slowly turns to look at his face. She has dark circles under her eyes, she is even paler than she was that night when he saved her, and everything she wears is black. It shouldn’t be comforting nor surprising that she is still mourning but at least this way, Bruce doesn’t feel quite as alone as he did before he saw her.

“Would you like to come to the house? I could make you coffee or tea if you prefer,” She says and contrary to her sorrowful, hurt expression, her voice is perfectly calm.

“No,” Bruce shakes his head. He doesn’t want to go into the house where Clark grew up; he feels guilty about his death and feels like he would be somehow violating Clark’s memory if he entered the house.

Martha seems to understand what he’s thinking and her expression softens. “Even if I insist? I still want to thank you for paying for the funeral and for… visiting him.”

Bruce doesn’t find it in himself to say ‘no’ to a mourning mother. He gives her a short nod, and then follows her when she turns around and walks towards the house. They walk in silence and as they are walking on the pathway, Bruce remembers the funeral of his parents, and he wants to run away again. It starts to rain but they don’t quicken their pace.

When Bruce enters Clark’s old home, it smells of sweetness of cookies and something hidden in Bruce’s subconscious from their fight because he remembers if from his dreams and nightmares about Clark but he can’t quite decide what it is.

He hangs up his coat on the hanger next to door. “Come on,” Martha goes to the door on the right and Bruce follows her. The kitchen is simple, cheap but it’s clear Mrs. Kent takes good care of it and keeps it tidy and clean.

“Coffee or tea?” she asks him, kindly.

“Coffee, thank you,” Bruce says and looks down when he feels a touch on his leg. The dog seems to like him and is leaning against his knee again, fondly. When Bruce looks into his eyes, they are sad too. He pets him.

Neither of them speaks for a long time but the silence hanging between them isn’t nervous it’s just… sad.

Martha places the cup of a steaming, black coffee in front of him. It’s not full in case he’d want to add cream and sugar on the table but Bruce doesn’t put either in his coffee even though he usually likes it that way. He just sips the bitter drink and enjoys the way it burns him on the tongue a little.

Martha watches him, playing with the cross on her necklace with one hand. “He wouldn’t want you to blame yourself, Mr. Wayne.”

The billionaire can’t stop his first reaction, the bitter chuckle forming in his throat. “Wouldn’t he?” he asks.

“Clark isn’t… wasn’t like that Mr. Wayne,” Martha says, looking down for a moment at her mistake. “I’m sure he wouldn’t like anyone to feel bad for his death.”

Bruce listens to her but her words don’t change his mind.

They don’t speak again and he slowly finishes the coffee, petting the dog’s head before he leaves. 

* * *

 

Bruce doesn’t visit Clark’s grave for a month. The nightmares don’t stop.

He knows Alfred is getting anxious and Dick even moves back to the mansion temporarily, probably to look after Bruce.

When the billionaire thinks he can’t take it anymore again, he goes to Clark’s grave again and places roses there.

He stands there, silently, the guilt feels more heavy and lighter on his shoulders at the same time. He wishes he could change so many things but he knows there is nothing he can do. He knows it would be healthier to just let this go but he can’t. He feels like he owns Clark at least the mourning. Bruce deserves the pain from mourning, even though he almost didn’t know him.

And suddenly, Bruce knows what he needs to do.

He walks to the Kents’ house and after several long minutes of considering whether this was a good idea, he knocks. Once. He hears movement behind the doors and in just few seconds, Martha opens, letting out the dog to almost jump at Bruce happily. She seems to be confused a bit at the animal’s behavior and Bruce wonders if the dog usually acts so happily after Clark’s death.

“Mr. Wayne,” Martha greets him, surprise clear in her voice.

“Call me Bruce, please,” the billionaire asks of her in quiet voice. “I… would you mind telling me about him?”

Martha seems to be even more surprised but after few moments of simply looking at him, she moves aside to let Bruce come inside. The man murmurs his thanks and follows her to the kitchen again where she makes him coffee. This time, she doesn’t place cream or sugar on the table for him and Bruce doesn’t ask her to.

“He liked his coffee black too,” she says to him and sits opposite him. The dog places his head on her thigh. He doesn’t tell her that he in fact doesn’t like his coffee black but he is glad that he drinks it the same way Clark once did.

“This is Hank,” She says, introducing the dog for the first time. “He belonged to him after Jonathan died.”

Bruce nods. He knows Jonathan was Clark’s father. After all, Clark is buried next to him.

“He and his father… They were very close,” Martha tells him. “Especially when Clark was a kid. He always asked us for advices and guidance about what he should do and he asked both of us but… mainly Jonathan.”

She tells him the story about how Jonathan died and how Clark was heartbroken after that. How he was running away from the coldness of this world, running from one place to another. She tells him how Lois found out about him and how they fell in love and Bruce is genially shocked how much it _hurts_. It hurt all this time but right now it feels like someone is pressing against his still fresh wounds. He accepts the pain; he greets it with open arms.

When Martha is finished talking, she touches the cross on her necklace again.

Bruce thanks her for coffee and turns to leave.

“Bruce.”

He’s stopped by Martha’s calling after him and he turns on his heel to look at her.

She just stares into his eyes for several minutes, as if she was looking for something, then Bruce sees her smile for the first time since he saved her, and says. “He liked amaryllises better than roses.”

He just stands there for a moment, unsure what to say. He doesn’t say anything, in the end, and leaves.

* * *

 

Bruce waits another week before he visits Martha again. He brings the amaryllises to Clark’s grave, for the first time, and he asks for cream and sugar for his coffee and they talk about Clark while Bruce is petting Hank.

She tells him how Clark used to run around the house and in the cornfields. How he once stole her sheets and cut it with scissors one day, then made a cape out of it and played with it attached to his shoulders, pretending to be a hero.

Another day, she tells him how Clark used to like cooking a lot. How she couldn’t get him out of the kitchen even when he was little instead of socializing with other kids in the town.

She tells him that Clark had very few friends, that he wasn’t very sociable and that maybe it was hers and Jonathan’s fault because they repeated to him that he needed to be careful with his powers, that he should be careful about getting attention… that he wasn’t like the others. She thinks it was them who were to blame that Clark withdrew completely from his friends and, in the end, he had only Lana Lang.

She tells him how Clark was terrified when he was flying one day. How he was crying and desperate and how she was scared he’d just flew away, and she’d never see him again.

Bruce finds out that Clark was a very sensitive and idealistic when it came to people. He always tried to see the best in them, even when they didn’t deserve it. Especially when he was young.

Once, Martha confides that she wished for Clark to stop with the superhero thing. She tells him that she felt like Clark was crushing under the weight of the hatred of the people. That he became even quieter, that he didn’t talk much to her after he moved to Metropolis. That, even though she knows it was the right thing to do, she regrets she told Clark to choose what he thought was right; that she didn’t tell him she thought it was a bad idea all along.

Bruce understands her, but tells her that even if she told Clark this, he’d probably wouldn’t listen. Because at this point, Bruce knows him. Knows, what Clark was like. Soft-spoken introvert that always wanted the best for others and hated the feeling of powerlessness as much as Bruce did.

Martha lets him enter Clark’s room, one day. She says she didn’t change it. Not after Clark left for the first time after Jonathan died. Not after Clark died. The room is still filled with Clark’s scent and as if Martha understands him, she leaves him in the room alone, and Bruce sits on the bed that is harder than his own. He looks at the posters of old movies and chuckles softly, when he sees a poster of Alien because that’s not a movie he’d expect from an actual alien. He is not surprised though when he finds out his favorite singer is Johnny Cash.

Bruce dares to play the CD and listens to the Hurt while he’s lying on Clark’s hard, comfortable bed. Carefully, he reaches for the photos on the bedside table. He stares at the pictures of Clark, his parents and his friends. He is happy there and Bruce feels something warm when he looks the brightest smile he’s ever see. He finally realizes that Clark’s scent reminds him of freshly cut grass and the sun.

It’s the moment when he also realizes that he fell in love with Clark. He knows that it should break him even more, and he feels broken. He’s hurting. But it feels right. He feels like, finally, he’s truly getting what he deserves, and that he gives Clark at least something even though he doesn’t have the nightmares often anymore.

From then on, he listens to Johnny Cash every day.

* * *

 

One night, when he’s lying in his bed at the manor, he receives a call from Martha. She cries and babbles but Bruce is able to understand what she’s saying.

He gets to Martha’s house as soon as possible and stops breathing when he sees the man he loves sitting on the couch with what Bruce knows is his favorite blanket wrapped around his shoulders. There’s a hunted look in his eyes and Martha is at his side, her hand on Clark’s, and she is still crying.

Bruce never saw anything like that and the only thing he can do for a moment is to collapse into the chair opposite him and stares at Clark and Clark stares right back at him, equally confused. Because the man he loves is alive.

Lois comes in the morning. She looks healthier than she did months ago but it’s clear she’s still mourning. Bruce realizes she probably, unlike him, truly wanted to heal from Clark’s death, truly tried to move on. He knows she found a new, great friend in Diana, and there was nothing wrong with that. She still cries and she hugs him but they don’t kiss. It’s too much for them.

Lois truly cares for Clark and gives him the space when he asks her to. She still comes but Clark is not the same anymore. He has nightmares, he’s screaming at night, Martha tells Bruce because they are close now, and Clark accepts his presence after few weeks.

He’s not the same, Bruce knows. He doesn’t put the Superman suit on. He just stays at Smallville at his mother’s house, trying to isolate himself from the rest of the world like he truly wanted to a long time ago but neither Martha nor Bruce truly let him. Bruce owes him at least this.

He usually stays in his room and Bruce wonders if he can tell that Bruce had been there. Sometimes, when Bruce comes by and Clark is feeling even worse than usually, he hears Johnny Cash from the upstairs.

Bruce often watches him. How he plays with Hank, how he goes to take a walk around the house and Bruce sees the optimistic boy with red sheet as a cape again.

He’s not the same but he still is at the same time, Bruce realizes. They talk more and once Bruce even manages to talk him to visit Gotham where they just sit in the park and eat hot dogs. They get closer and Bruce can finally call Clark a friend.

Clark’s nightmares don’t stop but there’s less of them, eventually. They often walk around the house and once, before Bruce can fully stop himself, he starts to talk about his parents. And once he starts, he can’t stop. He talks about his life. He tells Clark about Jason. He swallows his pride and apologizes for what he had done to him.

Clark just looks at him, patiently listening every word until Bruce finishes his story, and then he leans closer to Bruce and kisses him. Bruce is shocked at first because he didn’t think this would happen, didn’t think it was a possible for someone so bright, so perfect like Clark to fall in love with _him_ , and this is not what he deserves. It feels like being too close to sun after spending too long in a dark room without any windows.

But because Bruce is, and always has been, a selfish man, he reaches for the sun, and returns the kiss. It’s slow, sweet, gentle and something Bruce usually doesn’t do. It’s perfect.

When they broke apart breathless, they don’t exchange any words, instead they turn around to go back to the house.

As they walk, Bruce feels Clark’s fingers brushing against the back of his hand. He looks at the other man but Clark is not looking at him. He’s looking forward with the brightest smile Bruce has ever seen, the one Bruce fell in love with in the first place, and Bruce, for the first time in months, smiles.


End file.
